I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Sober January is a disaster.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
