life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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