After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
