her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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