don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
