that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
