What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Randomize
