She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
