if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
