$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
