I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Ambien. No doubt about it.
Buhtt sex?
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Randomize
