If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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