did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
