I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
