Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
