Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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