My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
