Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
