I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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