is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Shitshow foam night was such a success
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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