had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
