I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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