Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
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