so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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