i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
