Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
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