It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
