I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
be right there i have to get my cape
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
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