just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
