i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
