I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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