guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
