i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
