Got a toothbrush?
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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