On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
