Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
