trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
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