You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
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I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
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Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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