need another drink. this is the easiest way
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Randomize
