I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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