I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
