I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
