You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
