Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
