Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
