last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
