Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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