were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
