I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
