I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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