My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
