I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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