so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
