tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
