69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
