I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Damn victory sex feels great
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
