TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
