If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
