if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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