well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize