is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
