somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
